Forever
A reflection on an endless summer.
Here we are in the last moments of summer, and finally, the words have caught my attention again. It’s the same way the delayed summer heat is just now settling here in LA. I am reminded of time’s pace when the heat lingers into autumn. This is the indicator that summer is over. Honeymoon’s album anniversary is always a telltale sign that the seasonal shift has begun. The apples on my best friend’s tree have begun to drop. As change ignites, so does time.
It’s been 10 years since 2015, when I was fifteen. Panic rushes in at once. Nostalgia is my killer, but also what revived my slumber. Reminiscing and remembering are the only things that could awaken a 5-month writer's block. A creative slump that began as an intentional spring break turned into a summer snooze. April, May, June, July, and August all slapped me across the face. As each month came around, drafts of pieces and concepts flew everywhere, but they stayed glued in my notes. On my vacation is when the words just flew out like vomit. Scattered thoughts finally spilled out into my notes on a train or when I was sprawled in hotel rooms.
Before that unhinged release, many people in creative spaces also expressed their slumps in creative drive from the surrounding impending doom. I didn’t feel alone in my blockage. Orion Carloto wrote in her July post to Bible Study that she was also entranced in a “vow of silence” for Spring and the beginnings of Summer. “It wasn’t something I planned, but rather, something that the universe took into her own hands for me” (Carloto via Bible Study Instagram). Like Orion, I felt as though the muse was taken from me so that I could come running back— when it was the right time. While I waited for moments to strike, I fizzed my mind out to swiping into the late hours of the night. I am thankfully crawling out of those habits, but it is only because I can see the end of the year hurrying towards me.
That is what brings me here today. The clock tapped its hands on my shoulder. I feel my fifteen-year-old self thriving since we have lived in LA for a year now. I used to sit and reblog pictures of Chateau Marmont, but the haunting building is now a 5-minute drive from my apartment. I live for that fifteen-year-old who wanted so badly to be 25 and living for himself, and I am forever grateful and privileged to be doing that very thing. This summer, I lived as if I had never tasted a summer before. This summer had a distinctive “hissing of summer lawns” mentality. All of my senses were awake. Though I was in a blockage with journalistic pieces, I knew that my Summer was going to be inspiring.
I celebrated my birthday in the most beautiful places. Returning to Dublin since my first time in 2019 with my best friend, Allie (then and now), to see Lana Del Rey. An artist whose impact has touched me way beyond words. An artist who inspires this journal, my writing, my lens in this world— I can go on forever. To be so close to her and to have witnessed her greatness for so many years brought this whole trip full circle.
It was surreal to be back, feeling my spirit of 19, holding my 25-year-old self as we moved to each location. I was present in every moment from London to Paris, the French countryside, the Italian coast, and ending in Rome. Tasting the salt of the water and feeling the burn of the Italian sun. Twenty-something days of thrill and chaos that only twenty-somethings can stir up. I made sure every moment would last forever in my mind. Every laugh, meal shared, wine poured, and cigarette lit. I found my heart beat in the Ligurian sea. I couldn’t help but feel every emotion rush through me. Scraping the bottom of my bank account for one last scoop of gelato. Being stung by a jellyfish in the warmest of waters. “What do I have to lose?” whispered to me like sweet nothings. Money always comes back (it took a minute, but we’re back). I stood still in every moment. Tasting each bite and plunging myself into the experience of it all.
When I returned, I was refreshed with a rush to keep going, but slowly the glitter settled, and I was back at work, back home, and in a country with little to celebrate. Taken away from reality, you are lost in time, but when you come back, you are reminded of it. How much darkness is occurring, and how much longer we can endure it. This summer will remain forever because it was a great honor to see so much this young. I do not know how much time will remain for me to make these memories, so for now I’ll take mind of them wherever I go. “I’m going to take mind of you with me” has never been more needed as a mantra.
I had to pick myself back up from a slight collapse. Reality arrives after living in a dream for a moment. I had to remember that I was so privileged to be able to be gone for that long. Living for nothing and everything all at once. Most importantly, I had to keep that going here at home. Every moment counts. Since turning 25, I feel even more in sync with myself than ever. But what’s worse is I’m noticing how fast time flies by. “My life moves faster than me; Can’t feel the ground beneath my feet.” Yes, Addison, exactly. Her debut album has been such a great filter and soundtrack to add to the summer. I felt myself cling to music that was full of life and distraction, just as last summer, but with a softer edge.
Pop music jolted back harder than ever, but I also zoned into projects, like Lorde’s Virgin. On this record, she ruminates on the contemplations of life in her mid-late twenties. As I enter these similar stages, I remember roots and beginnings. Time again stands toe to toe with me as I reflect. I am reminded of the way my parents have aged— even more so, my nana. May angels protect her as she enters her mid-eighties. It’s already been 2 years since the passing of my daughter (yes, my cat Lilly). I can’t reflect too much on her; I’m fighting back tears as we speak. But all of it feels like yesterday, yet centuries behind us. While reminiscing induces a spiral in my own mind, it still inspires me to live in the present. To soak in each day, feeling it graze against my legs as each hour drips into the next.
I wish this moment right here could last forever. I wish this summer could last forever. I’ve even pushed my bank account to its very limits to make it to Lady Gaga’s Forum show and Alexandra Savior’s Troubadour debut. Here I am, running the clock out and burning candles at both ends. I will live in these moments forever. Cementing these memories here. Yes, “my hot blood has been burning for so many summers now” as Lorde sings on “Stoned at the Nail Salon”, and yes, “it’s time to cool it down”.
I feel the autumnal shift as I pull towards slower hymned records like Ethel Cain’s, Willoughby Tucker, I’ll Always Love You, which is a standout release settling me into Autumn's cold hug as the sun sets sooner. I realize I am beginning to sound like Carrie Bradshaw’s spiel in an early SATC episode. Bradshaw proclaims, “After all seasons change, so do cities. People come into your life and go, but it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart”. But that has to be one of the best entries Carrie has ever made. The ones (people I love, memories I cherish) closest to me will remain in my heart— forever.
In time from now, I hope to continue to grow and strengthen my writing and take these pieces to my own blog space, leaving Substack alone for a while. The over-saturation here for creative blogs feels inclusive yet exclusive at the same time. Another sign of a shifting writing culture. Until I get around to producing that kind of site, I will lay my thoughts here and actually turn the contemplations into pieces. I’m excited to turn more towards collaborative pieces for upcoming releases because I find inspiration when being able to work with other creatives or reviewing music/live shows. Who knows, though! I could get hit with another case of writing blues, but until then, I’ll ride this spark while it continues to keep my flame ignited. I hope these last few hours of summer kiss you gently as we go into the next moment.
Forever,
The Crying Crustacean
[All photos by The Crying Crustacean]
This was all so relatable for me right now, thank you for the beautiful words in my inbox <3